My Acting

Thank you to the people who think I am reminiscent of a young Clint Eastwood...boo! to the 3 people who think I am no better than Erkle. I know I have been delinquent in my blogging duties. Unfortunately I have been busy starting to study for college that I am starting in September. I really don't know that much about the interweb and I am studying Interactive Multi-Media so it might be important. I hope it is fun and interesting and in demand when I finish it about a year from now.

On another note I have seen the Atheist adds on the buses here and I am super happy with it! Next time I see it on a bus I will take a picture and load it up, or, upload as the web people say...Look! I'm learning!

Being Erica!

http://www.cbc.ca/beingerica/videos.html#clipId=1058509363

Well, yours truly finally saw one of the episodes that features me, Andrew Orr as an extra on Being Erica. I am about 5 minutes into the show at the movie theater. I am behind the actors buying a ticket. Then when they are in the theater buying popcorn I am at the beginning of the scene! Enjoy some amazing acting!!

P.S. A big shout out to Kristian and Jenny Jack for spotting it and letting me know about it!

The Bestest Coffee!

OK so by a whopping margin of 2-1!! the best coffee is Starbucks. I cannot confirm nor deny this as I do not drink coffee. For those of you who do, enjoy!

People Suck

Ok here is a new phenomenon that us really annoying me. People who stand in front of doors. They walk out of a door and then just freakin' stand there in the way of other people coming through the door. I mean WTF?? Do they not realise that OTHER people are going to come through that door? They just block the way and back up everyone else. People just don't think anymore.

The Results Are In!

Apparently you all think of me as a strong-armed despotic mass murderer. Thank you and all who voted will get something in the mail as a present.

As for the other poll, there is a tie as to who has the best coffee: Tim Horton's or Starbucks. Therefore there will be a run-off poll which you will vote on. You may not like either coffee but please vote on which is better than the other. All results will be sent into the International Institute on Why People Pay $4.00 For Watery Grit in Rancho Cucamonga in California.

Roll It Up Suckers!

It seems all of you coffee drinkers are being suckered in with the Roll Up The Rim.


"Top prize is a $32,000 Toyota Venza and is hidden beneath the rim of 35 of the cups, but company documents show they are not distributed equally across the country.
For example, although 52.5 per cent of all contest cups will be sold in Ontario, only 15 of those 35 grand prize cups or 43 per cent have been allotted to the country's largest province.
That's three fewer than provincial coffee drinkers could have expected under a proportional distribution of top prizes.
Instead, those three cups have been slipped, one each, into stores in British Columbia, Quebec and Atlantic Canada.
Tim Hortons lists the overall chances of winning a Toyota Venza as slightly more than one in eight million."





So there you go my fellow Ontarians, your chances are pretty much nil that you will win the top prize. And you drank all that black grit for nothing. Although, I bet you are a lot more "regular" in the morning than usual.
One Canadian fraud with another Canadian fraud!

If you really want to drink something that smells good, looks pitch black and makes you poop a lot, I suggest Guinness.

Almost My Birthday

Only 14 shopping days (two weeks) till my birthday. I am going to be 36. Anyone, who has any ideas as to what I should do for my birthday please put them in the comments page or e-mail them to me. I would assume some drinking will be involved but as I am going to be 36 and all of my friends are either married, in long term relationships and/or parents, so there may not be much. However, I would like all involved to have a good time and be merry. And if it is anything like Tyler's bachelor party, I will need two strong men to peel me off of the floor and pry the bottle of Napoleon Cognac out of my hand.
Anyway, I digress, any ideas will be appreciated.

Supreme Ruler Continued

Hello everyone again! I trust you all had nice Wednesdays. Now shut up enough about you, more about me.

After I have taken care of bilingualism, the justice system, the native issue and the health system I would take care of the military.
Politicians have been short changing the Canadian military for far too long! We have the second largest country in the world and it is being threatened. A bunch of countries are trying to stake claim to our northern borders. If we had the nuclear submarines that were proposed back when Mulroney was in office then we wouldn't have to rely on our out-dated ice breakers to patrol our waters. People protested that "Canada should be nuke free!!" But these subs weren't carrying nuclear weapons just being powered by it! Stupid hippies! Also, it we have been relying on the Americans to keep us safe. They spend trillions of dollars on their military and use it to help us, then we criticize their spending. I don't think that is fair at all. We are an independent nation and we should be in charge of protecting ourselves! It's quite simple really, increase the military budget, and we would be able to accomplish this with the savings we realize when I cut the government chaff without a tax hike. We have to modernize the military and give our fighting men and women the tools to help them and keep them safe.

To be continued...

Why I Should Be Supreme Ruler Of Canada

I know a lot of you out there are wondering, "How would my life be better if Andrew ran Canada instead of the incompetents we have now?" Thank you for asking, here is how:

I would instantly reduce the amount of Government we have currently in Canada. I would do this by making the official language of Canada English and English only. This would reduce the amount of money needed to translate documents that the government already produces that aren't read by anyone, let alone by French and English people. It would also reduce the amount of storage space needed for these documents that nobody reads. Also, it would eliminate the need to find a bilingual person for every job in the Government and instead the job would go to the most qualified (or whoever knows the boss) instead of someone under-qualified who speaks both languages. Next I would be the trimming of the departments we have in the government that exist only to give useless politicians and bureaucrats something to do and collect a huge pension.
One of the first cut is the Department of Native Affairs. I cannot believe we spend billions of dollars a year on Natives. They do not pay taxes so they do not even contribute to the money they get back. Native Americans make up 3% of the Canadian population yet we spent $10 billion dollars on them in 2007-08. That means with Canada's population at 33 million we spend $10 000 a person on them and that does not include EI or welfare. That does not include whatever profit they make from "Native Land" that we gave them. That does not include payouts from the government from the various scandals. That does not include the money they get from the black market. What do we get for that? What do they get for that? We don't know as there is no accountability for our money. If they want to be called "Nations" let them pay their own way. I say cut the whole thing out. If they still want to live up north and live off the land then fine but they should not expect a government hand out if they do not contribute. Otherwise move to where there are jobs like the rest of us.
I would also take over health care and make it the dreaded "Two Tier System"!!!! I say that there should be private clinics set up all over Canada so that the people that can afford to jump the lines do jump the lines. I would limit the amount of them so that all the doctors don't just up and leave the public hospitals but if there are private clinics out there that can relieve the stress on the public system then what is the problem? It would not be a detriment to the public system as it would be the opposite. There would be shorter waiting lists and the income garnered from the clinics would be taxed and could be put back into the public system! As long as there are some mild restrictions in place to safeguard the buying of organs or rush of doctors from the public system and such, I do not see what the bugaboo is.
I would overhaul the criminal justice system. I would bring Quebec into line with the rest of the country and have them use our courts to create unity within the criminal system. Also, I would get rid of the parole system of doing 1/3 of your time and be eligible for parole. That is retarded, especially if you include that you get 3 for 1 credit for time served while in trial. As a result a person that is sentenced to a year could only do 4 months or less before they are on the streets. What kind of punishment is that? And if you kill a person you could get 15 years, but you serve 5 years before parole, with time served you could be out in about 3 years for taking a life!!!!! That is not justice. I say that you serve AT LEAST 2/3 of your time in jail before parole and you make parole difficult to get, and make counselling and vocational training mandatory so that people are not right back in.

I will continue...

My Poll On Polls

It is official, with a resounding 80% I am disgusting. Thank you. I know I voted for yes but I wonder who the other person was.....anyway, thank you for helping the democratic process.

Canada vs USA

2:11 PM
Chris Barnwell out
Russ Martin gets a walk
Joey Votto singles, 1st and 3rd
grounder to first, Youk makes a mistake, Votto safe at first, Martin scores!!!!! 1-0 Canada!
Jason bay walks, 1st and 3rd
Peavy doesn't seem to be able to find the plate!
He does find Matt Stairs though. He hits him and now the bases are loaded!
Teahan stirkes out.
1-0 Canada

2:22 PM
Dustin Pedroia grounds out
Stupid Derek Jeter doubles, Jeter Sucks
Chipper Jones K!!
David Wright is no match for the guy starting for Canada! K!!!!! (Mike Johnson)

1-0 Canada!

2:30 PM
Nic Weglarz groundout
PETE ORR (greatest player ever) groundout
Barnwell groundout

1-0 Canada!

2:38 PM
Back to back walks...not good!
1st and 3rd 1 out!
sac fly McCann 1-1
1st and 3rd on Victorino single
Pedroia groundout

1-1

2:49 PM
Gotta shower, smell like ass

3:29 PM
Back from the shower and had a roast beef sandwich with some jumbo shrip. Yum, let's see what the score is. Motherf**ker.

4-2 USA

3:30 PM
Jeter singles. I hate Jeter. Rollins pinch runs.
Chipper down on strikes!
Rollins thrown out!

4-2 USA

3:41 PM
Bay leadoff walk!
Double Teahan! 2nd and 3rd!
Wild pitch!!!!! 4-3!
Peter Orr groundout.

4-3 USA

3:50
Mr Campbell quit saying it was an impressive 4 IP by Johnson. HE GAVE UP 4 RUNS! THAT IS NOT IMPRESSIVE!
Youk walk
Dunn 2 run blast 6-3 USA
Pitching change but the game is pretty much over...

4:06 PM
Russ Martin solo blast! 6-4!!

6-4 USA

Gotta get ready for the Sens game. I hope Canada wins. I will update it when I can.

Well Canada lost but made it close, 6-5 final

Today Canada takes on Italy, it should be a shellacking by the Canadians.

Dominican vs Netherlands

11:25 AM
Wow! The Netherlands up 3-0 in the top of the first! A total collapse of defence by the Dominicans! Let's go Dyke pluggers!
They finally got them out. At least they didn't spike themselves.

11:39 AM
Surprise! Sir Sidney Ponson didn't explode.......yet.
3-0 Dutch.

11:44 AM
Volquez is not looking good. Kinda wild. Do I smell upset?

1:44 PM
I hate vacuuming! You leave for a couple hours and the DR comes back with 2 runs (Tejada hr) it is not 3-2 Clog-wearers.

1:57 PM
Yet another mistake by the Dominicans! Defensive interference!

2:08 PM
We will never know the outcome now as Sportsnet switched to the Canada vs USA game.

Live Blog!

I will be live blogging during the World Baseball Classic (WBC) game today. It is Canada vs USA. Now on paper it is a miss match and USA should kick Canada's butt but in 2006 Canada bashed the states and were 2-1 in the tournament so it could happen! The game starts at 2pm EST

My Favourite Sports Names

Albert Pujols
Rusty Kuntz
Danny Cox
Boof Bonser
Brian Bocock
Kerry Wood
Kosuke Fukudome
Dick Pole
Dick Pound
Rod Black
Dick Butkus

My Stye Part III

Well, by popular demand I will update everyone on the progress of my stye, or 'Styey' as he liked to be called. I know you guys have grown accustomed to it, some even called it a friend, but it is slowly evaporating into nothing. There is still a red bump but there is no puss and no crusty blood. I would like to go on record as saying that is a good thing. I have a feeling I will not need the operation on Friday as it is almost insignificant and it will be a lot of pain and ugliness for nothing. I would like to say thank you for all of my friends that have stood by me in my times of need. It must not have been easy staring into that ugly, ugly thing. My face is almost beautiful again!

My Zipper

I have noticed recently that I have been going pee and not doing my fly back up again. I wonder if that is just normal behavior or if it is part of a systematic decline of my mental faculties. I never used to do that. Or maybe it's a subconscious desire to be an exhibitionist? I don't know about that since I have been doing it at home as well as out in public. I seem to only notice as I walk outside into the cold and my outie becomes an innie. Then it's kinda embarrassing walking around with my hand down at my crotch and there are women approaching. I don't want them to think I am some drooling pervert, I mean I AM but I don't want them to know that.

I feel that this newest development is just one step closer to going pee 4 times in the middle of the night and waking up for 2 of them.

My New Favourite Company!

J&D is my new favourite company. Their motto is "Everything should smell like bacon". I don't know if truer words were spoken. This is the beginning of their website(which I recommend going to the link and checking out)

"We're Justin and Dave, and this is our improbable bacon-flavored story. Who are we? We’re just two regular guys who love grilling and football on Sunday afternoons, eating until we can’t get off the couch and of course, the taste of great bacon. And it’s our dream to make everything taste like bacon."

I don't like to throw the word genius around but these two gentlemen are geniuses!

THE GREATEST PRODUCT EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes Americans can come up with the greatest things, take for instance something that has come to my attention by way of The Daily Show:

BACONNAISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The healthy combination of mayonnaise and bacon! Could there be anything better? Well maybe if they put chunks of ham in it...or cheese! Oh, dear God yes! Yes! YES! And for those of you on a diet there is always Baconnaise Lite!

I don't know if it's available to Canadians yet but I suggest you write to your MP, like I am, and make sure that it gets here fast! My arteries aren't going to clog themselves!

Your Favourite Simpsons

You know mine, now tell me your favourite Simpsons episode.

The Simpsons!

I have been a bit lax lately with my blog and I have no excuses, I am a lazy bugger. Well here is a new one about one of my favourite shows The Simpsons. Today it was announced that the show has been extended another two years and that is great stuff. While there have been some low points in the last 20 years there have been entirely too many highs to cancel this amazing show. Here are the top 5 episodes according to me in the last 20 years.

1) New Kid On The Block: This episode from the 4th season concerned the new neighbour girl (played by Sarah Gilbert) moving in and babysitting Bart, Lisa and Maggie. There are just so many classic lines that it's retarded! It was also written by Conan O'Brien.
(Sample dialogue: Homer: You see, son, a woman is a lot like... err... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds... they... make ice... uhhh... oh! Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [drains his beer] But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman! [runs to the fridge]...time passes... Homer: [drunk] So I sez "Yeah? If you want that money, come and find it, 'cuz I don' know where it is, ya baloney!" You make me wanna retch! [falls asleep]

[At the Frying Dutchman, Homer continues to eat everything in sight. The waitstaff look on.]
Waiter: That man ate all our shrimp! And two plastic lobsters!
Capt. McAlister: 'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eatin' machine!

2) Mr Plow: Also from the 4th season, just freakin' hilarious!

(Sample dialogue: Insurer: This place Moe's you were at, just before the accident... this is a business of some kind?
Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar... but what else is open at night?
Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
Homer's Brain: Heh, heh! I would've never thought of that!

[After the Mr. Plow commercial has aired]
Homer: Well, John Q. Driveway has our number. Now we play the waiting game...
[Several seconds pass...]
Homer: Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!)

3) Monorail: I know it's 4th season too. Also written my Conan O'Brien but it's just chock-full of good sh*t.

(Sample dialogue: Homer: Doughnuts... is there anything they can't do?

Homer: Are we gonna die, son?
Bart: Yeah, but at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us.

Marge: [opening the fire extinguisher door in the monorail] Homer, there's a family of possums in here.
Homer: I call the big one "Bitey.")

4) $pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling):
No this is not in the 4th season it's in the 5th. Great writing and video on this one.
(Sample dialogue: Lisa: I just had a bad dream!
Homer: Ah, sure, you just lie down and tell me all about it.
Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd but I dreamed the Boogeyman was after me and he's hiding in the...
Homer: AAAAAHHH! BOOGEYMAN! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun! (storms into Bart's room and wakes him up) Bart, I don't want to alarm you but there may be a boogeyman or boogeymen in the house!
Bart: Aaaahhh!

Homer: No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!)

5) Bart Gets An Elephant: Season 5. A Classic.
(Sample dialogue: Bart: After breakfast, me and Milhouse are goin' down to the ravine. We got a tip from a five-year-old that there's a dead Martian down there.
Lisa: And I'm going to jam with the Little White Girls Blues Quartet. (to Homer): Wanna come with me, Daddy-o?
Homer: Sorry, honey. I'd love to, but Daddy has to go to a beer-drinking contest.
Bart: Think you'll win?
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.

Lisa: Mr. Blackheart?
Blackheart: Yes, my pretty?
Lisa: Are you an ivory dealer?
Blackheart: [laughs] Well, little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day: whale-hunter, seal-clubber, president of the Fox network, and, like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory. )

Banned Atheist Ads!

Bloody hell were are the backbones today? OC Transpo in Ottawa has banned the atheist ads which say "There probably is no God so you might as well enjoy yourself!" because they might offend other religions. WTF?? I mean if religion is "offended" buy such an innocuous set of advertisements maybe they should look at themselves. If the OC Transpo banns these ads then they should ban all religious advertising. A person who is Muslim may find a Christian ad insulting and visa verse. This is ridiculous. Toronto allows them, Calgary, Vancouver!! Why not Ottawa? I hope that today's council meeting they find their balls and approve the ads or I just might have to get up off my ass and do something about my atheist rights!

My Absence

Please excuse my absence from my blog as I won the Lottery on Friday. I won $5 000 000 and went a bit crazy. I got the money and bought a house and gave the decorator a blank cheque to do what he and his "life partner" thought fit. Then I flew to Vegas and gambled a bit. After I blew $1 000 000 at the craps tables (aptly named) I met a lovely young lady at the bar (she said her name was Lola, I thought that was a pretty name for a girl with such a large Adam's apple) and we got married. We proceeded to drink large quantities of tequila and then consummate the marriage (at least that is what she told me when I came to). After the light of day came and Lola shaved, I decided I didn't want to be hitched after all and after a quickie divorce that only cost me $500 000 in a one-time lump sum payment, I set off to Los Angeles. I met up with Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears and we went to The Viper Room. We drank all night and may have popped some pills as the next thing I remember we were driving away from the cops and paparazzi in a stolen Maserati. I had to bribe the coppers to let us go and I had to pay the whole thing myself (apparently "stars" don't carry money with them). After that I flew home and found that the decorator had sold the house from under me and wrote a cheque for $1 000 000 for himself and his two new "life partners". Oh well, all in all $5 000 000 well spent.

WTF????

Roberto Alomar AIDS Lawsuit
John Marzulli and Tracy Connor of the New York Daily News have the story:
Baseball great Roberto Alomar has full-blown AIDS but insisted on having unprotected sex, his ex-girlfriend charged Tuesday in a bombshell lawsuit.
Alomar's lawyer wouldn't comment on his client's health, but called the lawsuit "totally frivolous."

Wow, just wow. How the mighty have fallen. He is screwed.

A-Rod Redux

Oddly, I cannot comment on my own blog. Or to be more specific, I don't know how to. Anywho, I like Alex Rodriguez, I think he is an amazing player steroids or not. He is a bit of a screw up off the field, but that doesn't take away from his baseball abilities. Also, he has a big pile of money to cry on so I don't feel bad for him.

Tonights CSI Miami

OK, I have a quiz for you. How do you make an already horrible, horrible show even worse? Answer, you invite Sean "Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy" Combs to be on the show. Sweet Jesus.

Alex Rodriguez

Wow, it was announced last week that Alex Rodriguez had taken and been tested positive for steroids. Now, people who know me know that I am not a Yankee fan to put it mildly, however it is a sad thing to hear. I know there has been controversy around A-Rod since he was a rookie but none of it was really baseball related: high salary, strippers, divorce, Madonna, his and Jeter's "sleepovers" but now it has been proven and he has admitted to taking steroids from 2001-03. This is a very good athlete who is one of the greatest hitters in history and has proven it the last 5 years that he has been "clean", why would he juice? Disappointing to say the least.

P.S. Yankees Suck

P.P.S. Go Bosox!

Best Album Of All Time

So everyone, what is your favourite album of all time? There are too many to list here and my taste may not be your taste, so just put your favourite album or albums in the comments box and we will see what the general consensus is at the end. I will put my own two cents worth.

Led Zeppelin I

Quadrophenia

Let the world know what your bestest album ever is!

Sheer Heart Attack

I was listening to an old tape today (yes a tape) and I can't believe how awesome the Queen album Sheer Heart Attack is. From beginning to end a solid album. From the bombastic Stone Cold Crazy to the operatic Lap Of The Gods., every song a good one. Buy the CD or download it. Put it on whenever the radio starts to play Nickleback and then you can listen to what a real band is!

Stye Update

I know you have all been waiting with bated breath for the results. And the results are.....*drum role*...I have to wait another month before they will do surgery! Son of a bitch. March 6th is my apointment, can't freakin' wait.

My 30th Post!

This is my 30th post. That is all.

My Stye

OK today is the day I have my apointment with my optomologist. I hope today is my last day with a stye. I will let you know how it went.

Best Overweight Actor

The results are in from last week's poll. Apparently Samantha Foxx brought more than just me into puberty. Thank you for your participation. Now I would like to know who your favourite overweight actor is:

William Conrad?

Nell Carter?

Marlon Brando?

Raymond Burr?

Charles Durning?

TV Shows That Are Bad

Now there are a lot of bad TV shows out there but here are a few that insult even plants' intelligence. First one is a doosie:

CSI Miami: There are many things wrong with this show, first off is David Caruso. I don't know if there is a worse actor out there. He cannot look the camera straight on, he is always at an angle. His lines, whilst they are supplied to him, are delivered poorly and it always seems as though he is talking down to you. There is only one good thing about him and this show and that is the drinking game where you take a shot every time he takes off his sunglasses. You are usually sh*t-faced before the first commercial. As for the rest of the cast they seem to have been recruited by "model good looks" instead of ability. They all seem to have only two facial expressions: serious or smiling. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Should be removed immediately.

The War At Home: Now this show is no longer on TV but it was clearly head and shoulders below any other show. It was between The Simpsons and Family Guy so it managed to get 3, count them THREE seasons. Michael Rapaport could be the second worst actor on TV next to The Red Headed Blunder Caruso. I don't think I have believed him in one of his roles. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Who's Line Is It Anyway (American Version): Now I have to distinguish between the American and British version. The British version was good and hosted by Clive Anderson, the American version was bad and hosted by Drew Carey. Now I liked The Drew Carey show, it was well written and funny and well acted but it is obvious that Drew Carey is NOT an improv artist. His ad libs are atrocious and uncomfortable. He is not funny.

Royal Canadian Air Farce: What a collection of ugly, ugly people. They are not funny. As a matter of fact they are the opposite, they are unfunny. The jokes are laboured, the impersonations are bad and the acting is not good at all. Only on CBC could they have been successful. Thankfully, they are no longer on the "air", don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

My Favouite Clint Eastwood Movies

So I have done music I like, music I dislike and TV shows I like, so now I move onto movies I think are awesome. Now as discussed earlier I have a little bit of a thing for Clint Eastwood, it's almost completely heterosexual, but I like a lot of his movies so I will only talk about the best of them.

A Fistful Of Dollars: This is the movie that started it all. Sergio Leone directed Spaghetti Western. Filmed in Spain with actors from Italy, Mexico, Spain, Germany and USA all speaking in their own language and then dubbed in English later. It was shot with a shoe-string budget and non-union crew and yet it is a classic movie and brought the western back into popularity. Clint had almost no dialogue and was famously "The Man With No Name" and yet he killed the part by walking with authority, squinting a lot and when he did talk he did it slowly and methodically. Leone reportedly took to Eastwood's distinctive style, and commented that "I like Clint Eastwood because he has only two facial expressions: one with the hat, and one without it". And then there is the classic shoot out scene with the metal plate under the poncho, classic from beginning to end. Without a doubt the best movie Clint made.

(Sample clip: [The four Baxters aren't apologizing for laughing at his mule] I don't think it's nice, you laughin'. You see, my mule don't like people laughin'. Gets the crazy idea you're laughin' at him. Now if you apologize like I know you're going to, I might convince him that you really didn't mean it... )

Kelly's Heroes: Just look at the crew list for this movie: Clint Eastwood, Telly Savalas, Don Rickles, Carroll O'Connor, Donald Sutherland, Gavin Macleod, Harry Dean Stanton and Karl-Otto Alberty. All in one freakin' movie! Totally under-rated movie with action, adventure and just a little swearing. Must watch!

(Sample clip: Oddball: [looking at aerial pics of the a remaining bridge] Beautiful. Moriarty: suppose the bridge ain't there? Oddball: [groans] Don't hit me with them negative waves so early in the morning. Think the bridge will be there and it will be there. It's a mother, beautiful bridge, and it's gonna be there. OK? Oddball: [Later: Oddball is looking through binoculars at the bridge] Still up! Oddball: [planes fly and bomb the bridge] ... No it ain't. See what sending out them negative waves did, Moriarty? Moriarty: That ain't my fault, Oddball, I've done nothing but have good thoughts about that damn bridge ever since we left!)

Dirty Harry: Another successful series of movies for Clint set off with the perfect opening to any movie. With it came the classic lines:

Callahan: I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk?
[Thief surrenders]
Thief: Hey....I gots to know!
[Callahan pulls the trigger, but the gun just clicks on an empty chamber and he grins. Camera cuts to the thief mouthing "Son of a bitch!"]

Hang 'Em High: The story of an innocent man hanged by a posse for the crime of cattle russlin'. The cast was a who's-who of late 60's movie westerns and future stars: Ed Begley, Pat Hengle, Ben Johnson(no not that Ben Johnson), Bruce Dern, Alan Hale Jr (The Skipper!), Dennis Hopper. Clint survives the attempted lynching, and while working for a judge, one-by-one he gets his revenge!

(Sample clip: Jed Cooper: You don't remember me, do you? Reno, Cooper Hanging Party: No. Jed Cooper: [showing his hanging scar] When you hang a man, you better look at him. )

What I Would Do With The $4 000 000 Wednesday Jackpot

This is what I would do with the $4 000 000 "jackpot" in tonight's Lotto 6/49: I would get it to cash, all in $5 bills. Then I would bring it to the Lotto headquarters in Toronto and douse it in gas and set it on fire in front of them!

$4 000 000!! That's an insult! I can't live the rest of my life on $4 000 000!?!? How am I suppose to support a monkey, midget butler, a bevy of strippers AND myself for the rest of my life with a measly $4 mil? Can't happen. I would rather fry it in their faces than try to live below my station!

Jerks.

(I know this is American money, but when I typed in "piles of Canadian money" Google laughed at me.)

When is Winter Over?

Come on spring! It's almost Spring Training and World Baseball Classic time!!! Make it 20C out there already instead of -20C!!

The Hottest 80's Chick!

OK boys and girls, the results are in from last weeks poll and Donna and Midge won the hottest mother/daughter combo poll. This weeks poll is who is the hottest 80's chick? Is it:

Markie Post?

Samantha Fox?

Catherine Bach?

Lonie Anderson?

Betty White? Ooopsss...women of the 80's not women in their 80's!

TV Shows I Enjoy!

Hello and good Monday all! So I know you have all be wondering...what does Andrew watch on TV? Well I am about to tell you. I watch a variety of things on television: sports, sitcoms, drama, action. Here is a small sample of the things I like to watch and suggest you watch too:


Two And A Half Men: Great show, smart, funny, has some sexy women on it and it's crude. What's not to love? Charlie Sheen plays himself like nobody else could and Jon Cryer is very good as the Felix Unger-type offset. Well done.

(Sample Clip:
Charlie: How did you get in my house?
Alan: Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not-- not sitting on your welcome mat!
Charlie: Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk. )

How I Met Your Mother: A show that will last forever! Even in the weak episodes there is something that you will pee yourself over. This is the show that brought Neil Patrick Harris (NPH to his friends) back to the spotlight. Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin and Barney are all great characters and it is very well written.

(sample clip:
Barney: Look, our forefathers died for the "pursuit of happiness," okay? Not for the "sit around and wait of happiness." Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.
Taxi driver: That was beautiful, man)

SpongeBob Squarepants: Delightfully irreverent, subversive and not really meant for children from what I can see. The relationship between Spongebob and Patrick the Starfish runs the gambit of friends, enemies and same-sex partners without missing a beat. There is a character for every personality and the humour is first rate!

(sample clip:
SpongeBob: Good morning to you, sir. Would you care to blow a bubble?
Patrick: Hmm. How much is it?
SpongeBob: Only a quarter.
Patrick: Sounds reasonable. [hesitates a moment, then speaks in an embarrassed whisper] Er...I'm going to need to borrow a quarter.
SpongeBob: Sure thing, Patrick. [hands him a quarter]
Patrick: Ah, one quarter!
[Patrick gives the quarter to Spongebob. Spongebob looks at it a moment, then bites it to make sure it's genuine, then pockets it]
SpongeBob: Thank you!)

Cheers: Ahhhh...the classic Cheers. Sam, Dianne, Cliffy, Norm, Carla, Coach, Woody, Frasier and Rebecca. This was the classic show. Started off low in the ratings but built with a head of steam till it was at the top of the charts. The tension between Sam and Dianne and then between Sam and Rebecca was almost as thick as the sexual tension between Norm and Cliffy! Some people have compared me with Cliff but I don't see it...I see myself as more of a Sam archetype. Oh well.

(sample clip:
Coach: [about Sam] I never realized what a brain he is. I study all the time — he sleeps in the classroom. He never takes a note and still he gets the great grades. No wonder he's Miss Purdy's favorite.
Diane: Miss Purdy?
Coach: Yeah, our beautiful school-teacher.
Diane: And Sam is her favorite?
Coach: Well, uh, I can't say that; but, uh, Sam's the only one I ever saw her kiss.
Diane: They kiss?
Coach: Yeah. I saw them smoochin' in the parking lot. I was putting up a notice there on the bulletin board.
Diane: With probing tongues?
Coach: No, Diane. With a thumbtack and my thumb.)

America's Funniest Home Videos: Two words: Crotch Shots!



Night Court: Along with Cheers just the classic 80's television sitcom. The difference between the two shows was that Night Court had a faster decline to jumping the shark. For me it was when Dan Fielding became good. Just wrong, wrong, wrong. Also, the finally when Bull was beamed up into the alien spaceship? WTF?? Anyway, it was still worth it for Christine's sweater puppies anyway. I mean they were always covered up, but you knew how big they were!

(sample clip:
Dan Fielding: Ladies! Ladies! At least have the decency to oil up first!)

Why I Am Moving To Indonesia

A loyal reader and avid follower of this blog steered me to this little article (link in title). A mogwi-type primate that lives in Indonesia. Just look at this beautiful thing!

(Pygmy Tarsier)

How could something that beautiful be kept a secret for so long? Well maybe this is your answer: "According to Reuters, these nocturnal insectivores have not been seen alive since 1921. In 2000, scientists accidentally trapped and killed one in the Sulawesi highlands while trapping rats."

Whoops! It's tough to study something when you trap it and kill it. On the other hand I bet it tasted delicious!

These delightful, and probably tasty, creatures have been compared to Furbys and Gremlins but they are wayyyyyy cuter! Take a look for yourself!

or or

Obviously the cutest one is the pygmy Tasier! That's some good eatin'!

Also, lower in the article was this little tid-bit:

"Indonesia was the site of another unusual find: the 2004 discovery of ancient bones and a skull belonging to hobbit-like 'little people,'"

So what they are telling me is that in Indonesia there are miniature primates AND miniature (not real)people there! When I win the $43 000 000 I might have to save a few bucks for a plane flight to Indonesia!

If I Won The $43 mil in 6/49

Well the first thing I would do of course would be to poop myself. I mean come on, it's $43 000 000! The second thing I would do is buy myself new underpants.

Now some might think that winning $43 000 000 would change me, but no. My friends know I am a sarcastic, know-it-all jerk and I am not changing for nobody, no how! Now for an itemized list of what I would do with all of that moolah!

$2 000 000 would go in a scholarship fund for my niece and nephew.
$3 000 000 split to my dad, sister and brother
$ 500 000 for a very nice but modest home for myself
$1 000 000 to split between my close friends
$ 250 000 spent on midgets, monkeys and mopeds as presents for friends
$ 250 000 on a super awesome first class trip around Europe
$ 100 000 on a bang-up party for all of my friends
$ 500 000 life-time season tickets for the Red Sox
$ 400 000 on charity
$35 000 000 on strippers
-----------------
$43 000 000

Money well spent I think


******Addendum********

It has been brought to my attention that the last $35 000 000 could be put to better use and I agree. I forgot a few things. Here is the revised itemized list.

$2 000 000 niece and nephew
$3 000 000 to dad, sis, bro
$500 000 house
$2 000 000 split for friends *
$250 000 monkeys, midgets, mopeds
$250 000 slutting around Europe
$100 000 party
$500 000 Red Sox
$10 000 charity *
$2 000 000 for "hobby distillery"
$2 000 000 for "hobby brewery"
$1 000 000 for "hobby midget farm"
$1 000 000 for pig farm**
$28 390 000 strippers *
------------------------
$43 000 000

If anyone else has any better ideas then please leave them in the comments box.
** A good idea from anon. I can have all the bacon I want and get rid of my enemies.

Monkeys!!!!!

I know all of my loyal fan have been looking forward to when I tackled monkeys. Well I tackled one last week and it was a slippery bugger! But I caught him eventually and he flung his poo at me, as usual. Stupid monkey.

Anyway, who doesn't love a monkey? And who doesn't want to own one?

There are helper monkeys:



There are circus monkeys:



There are organ grinder monkeys:



And there are cheeky monkeys:



But whatever kind of person you are there is a monkey that suits your lifestyle.



There are a few rules when you own a monkey.

Rule 1) Never look them in the eye! They take that as an act of aggression. (I know a few women like that too).
2) Always make sure they wear a diaper. That is an important one. It is difficult if not impossible to toilet train a monkey and you don't want poop all over your floors. Which brings us to...
3) Watch out for flung poop!!! Every once in a while they will fling their poop. Sometimes they do it to mark their territory, sometimes the do it for fun and sometimes they are just being jerks.
4) Get a monkey minder. You are a person on the go, a wheeler-dealer, so whenever possible make sure you have somebody to look after your monkey when you are not home. This could be a neighbour, a friend or a midget.
5) Never get between a monkey and a banana! This is just common sense. You will be drawing back a bloody stump.


If you follow these rules you will have many happy years of monkey ownership! ****






****These rules also apply to midget ownership****

Buffer Urinals

I don't know why this is a new concept to most men, I would assume that most men have been peeing since they were born. However, there are still men unfamiliar with this rule.

If there are three urinals and nobody else is there, you take the furthest outside urinal.

Under no circumstances are you to take the middle urinal.

If a second person walks in then they take the closest inside urinal. Only if there is a third person should the middle urinal be used and no part of your arms should touch, even if you are wearing jackets! These rules also apply to a row of more than 3 urinals. There should always be one urinal "buffer" between you and the next guy.

If you sidle up beside another man with another urinal free, he is allowed to punch you hard in the face. I know it's rough but I don't make the rules.

Also, there is no talking when using the urinal. I cannot stress this enough. If you want to talk to a man wait until you are both out of the bathroom, without your willies in your hand.

I hope this little lesson was informative.

Styes!!!!

I hate styes. I have a stye. I have been getting them off and on for two years now. I don't know why God gives them to me, maybe because I don't believe in him/her/it. Whatever, I can't stand them. They usually go away pretty quick but this last one has been sticking with me. I poked at it. My friend Mark poked at it. My doctor poked at it. It still is there, laughing at me every time I look in the mirror. I have an appointment with an opthamologist on the 5th of Feb but I want it gone away. I want it gone now. According to Wikipedia, "Styes will last up to 3 weeks without treatment, with treatment maybe a week." This mother effer has been over a damn month and I AM getting treatment! I just want it off my body.

Yay Atheism!

http://ca.lifestyle.yahoo.com/family-relationships/articles/archive/cp/home_family-atheist_transit_ads_proposed_for_toronto_could_roll_into_other_canadian_cities

I say good for us atheists! It is about time we started organising and advertising! We have been shoved into the corner and marginalised for too long. Now we have been guilty of allowing the God-lovers to do it to us but I see a bit of a rise in the profile of atheism as a group. This has been helped in a large part by having Bill Maher (an agnostic), Penn & Teller (Atheists and hosts of Bullshit the television show) Richard Dawkins (scientist and author) and Christopher Hitchens (author and panelist) out in the spotlight.

This campaign first got publicity in the UK when a christian group complained that they could not prove God didn't exist therefore they couldn't back their claim and it shouldn't be allowed on the advertising. The spokesman said that there is no proof that God doesn't exist but that there is plenty that he does, and he used the universe, the sky, babies as examples. I am pretty sure that science can explain that without the presence of God or gods.

I say go out there Atheists and multiply! Spread the word that god and gods are an invention of man and that ignorance and superstition will no longer be tolerated! Bring people around to the 21st century!